(Dedicated to the dearest of my friends. I know for sure where all your energy comes from.)

Oh Dear,

It all started with a confirmed rumour from an untrustworthy source. It has been unreliably learnt that Whattsapp has engaged a leading Data Analytics company to determine the co- relation between testosterone levels of individuals and specific kind of colourful posts that they have been posting online.

Leading the race is definitely a certain long distance runner whose strongest point is also his weakest point. No please don’t take me amiss, I am not trying to hit anyone anywhere. Essentially, all I am saying is that when he gets going, he does not know when to stop. The runner has certainly not been amused. How can his testosterone become a topic of discussion on the net? Although, inwardly he is thrilled to be the centre of attraction and a podium finisher. Taking a cue from Bollywood artists, he does not mind the attention but is seriously contemplating taking Casper to court on grounds of invasion of privacy.

The net result has however been absolutely contrary to expectations. Other people in the group are questioning why their privacy has not been invaded; after all it is a question of their testosterone (read machismo) being doubted in relative terms. Is it their fault that they keep away from posting ‘that’ kind of stuff due to unacknowledged fear, some perceived better judgment or just a birth-induced prudish behaviour? Therefore, the slogan for the day which has emerged is, “Our count needs to be counted”!

The Naval note of dissent is absolutely clear. They say: We have the biggest guns in town; so where is the doubt gentleman? When we go booming, no one (R) no one in any port or harbour is safe. Notwithstanding, Covid has forced some Gunners to stay home and claim brooming to be lame attempts at booming. What about all the visits we made to numerous ports all over the world in our hey days before the Digital age? Don’t tell us that none of that will count. We feel cheated today although that time it was not considered cheating. Parallelly, the Coast Guard very well aware of size limitations is emphasising that Freud always said that at the end of the day size does not matter.

Totally in agreement with the Coast, the Naval Armament and Ordnance reps are not the ones to boast. Bemused and sipping their coffee, they are not intimidated by the thunder. They are at peace with the undeniable knowledge that any gun is as good as the ammo which goes into it. That is where real testosterone lies.

Not to be left behind, the police force has laid a ‘difficult to deny’ claim for the trophy. After all, they have been the traditional Danda masters of the nation. How can you forget Salman’s famous movie Dabbang? Was it not about testosterone all the way? Very difficult to disagree, I must say. Yeah, and those Raybans glasses on the lead protagonist definitely looked ‘testational’ and groovy.

OMG! The very mention of Raybans has rocked an unexpected boat or rather an airship. The Air Force elements of the group are convinced that they have an IPR over Raybans and photographs of a certain actor who migrated from India to Canada and back. The poor actor who has fallen on bad times is left with almost no clothes and needs their whole-hearted support. When it comes to sunny and good-weather days, you just can’t restrain the flyboys (in fact a rather particular one) from expressing themselves.

Talking about restraint, the army has put out a restraining order against Casper banning him from all Army Institutes for the next four decades. The reason: The army has always been about guts, glory and aggression; all classical hallmarks of testosterone. So they have the first and last claim to it. How can anyone else even talk about josh and testosterone? It is pure sacrilege and an existential threat to their bread and butter. Guys please understand, it runs in their veins. The blood is just incidental. Casper, not withstanding our inadvertent prayer for your long life, stay away from this subject, lest you land up in big, big trouble!

DRDO is however taking a rather rational approach and have emphatically stated that Big Data lies in their domain. Testing is their forte and the word testosterone kind of rhymes with that. They can tweak the stats to give you an optimistic printout of your expected testosterone levels on a daily basis. The catch is whether to trust your own subjective evaluation or an accomplished scientist’s derived version.

The Group Doc has been reading this piece with curiosity and wondering how a pure medical issue has been uplifted to such a bone of contention? He is thinking of a post-retirement option of creating a self-test kit which helps the self-doubters. Colour coding of Test results has been planned to differentiate between image, conduct and performance. By the way, a bald head is medically considered an indication of high testosterone but so is old age. Determination of the causal in terms of and/or is indeed a subject for further research.

While the issue is being debated, Casper is left wondering how a simple hormone got a complex tongue-twister of a name and why there is a sudden rush to include oats production as part of agricultural income.

More in next. Amen!

Yours sportingly,
Casper (Horax)

P.S All those not included, please do not think that this piece is derogatory to you in any way. Actually your good enough may be better than their best!

First Published at seekmediation.com on 14/06/21

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